GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- NEPTUNE 2000


 20. 04/28/91  "NEPTUNE 2000"
 Writer: Steve Pepoon / Director: David Mirkin

 The $19.99 submarine Chris ordered 20 years earlier finally arrives,
 but he has to persuade Fred to help him build it.  They then become
 trapped underwater while taking the new sub for a test ride in the 
 shower. 

    Young Chris ....... Brandon Crane



(CAPTION: 1971)

Gladys -- ...Dear, are you going to the retirement seminar today?
Fred -- Why should I?
Gladys --To plan our future...We don't want to we don't want to end up like
one of those pathetic old couples who sit around the kitchen in their
bathrobes drinking coffee all day. 
Fred -- Gladys that'll never happen to us as long aswe keep playing the
horses
Chris -- Mom Dad can I give you a hint what I want for my birthday?
Fred -- If you must. When is it?
Chris -- Yesterday.
Fred --  Ho ho ho...Better luck next year boy.
Chris -- You're not going to pull that on me again this year. I want my own
personal two-man submarine. It has a periscope, torpedo launcher,
ship-to-shore radio, emergency dive outfit, and a functional ciggarette
lighter....and it only costs ..$19.95.
Fred -- Chris, don't be duped by a phoney ad. You can't buy a sub with all
that for 19.95. You're talking about close to a billion dollars worth of
equipment.
Chris -- Oh right "Ads in comic books are always rip-offs out to sucker dumb
little kids like me." Your so negitive dad. 
Fred --Yeah. Ironic isn't, especially when I've been blessed with so much.
CHRIS -- I guess I'll just have to earn the money myself. I know, I'll get a
paper route.  (Cue dramatic music)
Gladys -- Chris why would you want to get sucked into a dead-end job like
that? 
Chris -- It's only till the sub's paid off. It's not like I'm gonna do it
forever.

(Song "I can't wait forever") 
Kitchen (caption 20 years later)

Chris --Is it here yet?

Fred -- Jeeze are you deaf? it's right in front of your face.

Chris -- Oh oh joyous rapturous day. It came,  it came. Oh my oh humm hmm. Oh
I guess all my years hoping and, and growing into my weight are finally over.
It's here I can't believe it, and just in time for my birthday

Fred -- Which is...when?


Chris -- You'd think the postal service would have improved after we sold it
to the Japanese. Lousy Krauts.
Gladys -- Chris it's says 4 to 600 weeks.
Chris -- Oh oh jeez wow oh I guess it's a week early then. (Chris empties box
) Alley oop!
Awwoh it's broken.
Fred -- You idiot, you have to put it together. 
Chris -- Oh oh jeez well I'll just slap it together then. (laughs) Luckily it
came with this handy instructional booklet. Ahh What does Baunk waunk kay. Ay
baunk waunk waunk ay baunk waunk waunk baunkwaunka....mean...any ideas? 
Fred --(Shrugs)
Chris -- Oh this is gonna be great. I get to build it an learn a whole new
complex language at the same time. 
Fred -- Chris you can't just slap that together it takes real skill, even so
it'll probably never work. 
Chris -- Well, would you help me build my submarine. I mean this project
kinda reeks of father, son quality time potential.
Fred -- There's only so many hours in the day I can't spend time with you and
drink coffee.

(Chris's room)

Chris -- Oh great you're here! Teriffic!  Great! You're just in time for the
christening. (laughs) Hey Dad where's that bottle of Champagne I asked you to
buy.
Fred -- I drank it.
Chris -- Okay well here it is. Time for the unveiling. Bu de bi bi de bi de
bi de bi bee beep ding ding ding etc. Weeeeh Sheeeeh!! 
Fred -- Doesn't look quite right. 
Chris --Well, well ooh uh the picture in the ad was really just a suggestion.

Fred -- Have you given this death trap a name yet?
yes yes ah Tony. Well don't you get it Tony as is Tony the Tiger.
...Cornflakes...Ahhh because there's no SUB- stitute for breakfast. 
Fred --I though I was hammered.
Chris -- Alright and now it's time for the inaugural firing up.  Now you
better stand back cause this baby runs on fifty-four "D" batteries. 
Fred -- I'm glad we finally learned how to harness that power for peaceful
uses. 

(TONY shoots sparks, smoke and flame) 

Chris -- Jeez! humh I thought I had that problem worked out. 
Gladys -- Chris this is too dangerous. Why if you had been inside that thing
you would have burned up that new shirt I bought you.   
Chris -- Mom. Dad I'm gonna let you in on the biggest secret I've ever kept
from you. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm scared. 
Fred -- I think I better help the simp. 
Chris -- Oh Dad thanks, thanks you do love me after all. 
Fred -- Oh don't get all misty-eyed I just didn't want to see this dump go up
in flames.

( Flashforward -- TONY's completed)

Fred -- Well I got to admit it looks pretty damn fine. And ya know what? It
was kinda fun putting it together. Am I nuts or did we actually bond for a
second there?
Chris -- No Dad, I think we actually did bond for a second. (laughs) Ya know
I'm, I'm sorry I crazy-glued your eyelids shut, I just wanted to see how far
that thing would squirt. (laughs) Well, whatdayasay it's time for it's maiden
voyage. huh?  Help me get Tony into the bathtub.

Fred --Bathtub!! Chris this isn't like one of your Fisher-Price Toys..this is
a twenty-dollar piece of machinery.
Chris -- Yeah, but dad, Dr. Cousteau tests all his equipment this way. I read
that once....or dreamt it.  And, and that's why about five years ago I spent
the weekend sealing up my tub..in anticipation of this very moment. 
Fred -- At this point Chris, our quality time is officially over and my
coffee time has officially begun. 
Chris -- Oh okay dad sure no yer yer right I, I'll just test it myself. I'll,
I'll take it out back to that weird pond behind the sewage plant. I, I'm sure
I won't come back with any diseases that could effect the entire family so
don't worry....
Fred -- Alright, alright, you got me for another ten minutes. 
Chris -- Great  Thanks Okay you grab the back. On three. One. ..Two... Argh!
 

(Flash forward to Tony in the bathtub with Chris and Fred inside.)

Chris -- It's great to feel the sea again isn't it. Now there are a few
nautical rules that I have to familiarize you with. Ah..to begin with..I am
the El Capitan. Okay?..and you are the first chambermaid. Now..you will obey
all orders without question. You will speak only when spoken to and you will
not, under any circumstances sir, disable any of the smoke alarms in the
restrooms...Other than that  enjoy the buffet. 
Fred -- Chris I gotta go. I feel a cause of the bends coming on. 
Chris -- Oh I'm sorry. Would you like a Rolaids?
Wow...It's like another world down here isn't it? Oh dad look...look an old
boot. No doubt case overboard long ago by some ancient mariner. 
Fred -- Chris, that's one of your slippers.
Chris -- Oh...oh yeah...you're right.  (laughs) I'm sorry, I just got caught
up in the moment. (laughs) It's like the real thing down here.
Fred -- Almost better. 
Chris -- Well...say...now that you're getting into the spirit, I think it's
time for your little on-board surprise (laughs).....Hats! (laughs) Here ya
go. Mmm Hmm.  Huh Now were like Jauques Cousteau and his son Phillip.
Bonjour, Bonjour,Phillipe..Phillipe (laughs) Phillipe! Phillipe there are
swimming monkeys and there coming towards us and they're armed. We must
retaliate against this aggressive action against our peaceful vessel.
(laughs) Oh I'm such a hoot aren't I?
Fred -- Chris, I should inform you..I've completely lost interest in this.
Chris -- Well uh...You'll like it better when you look through the periscope.
"Periscope up!" ..........allright I'll do it. Wow he hee he Neat Cooll hu hu
huh hoo hoo.  Dee dee deed  dee deed de...ugh
Fred -- Oh that does it. I'm outta here. It's..it's  stuck.
Chris -- Huh? Wu..well ah.. Maybe it rusted shut from age. 
Fred -- It's only been wet for a minute.
Chris -- Allright ah... Don't...don't worry dad...ah..According to this
instruction book here there's...there's...Oh! There's enough air in here for
another twenty minutes...huh...More than enough time for the Navy Seal Rescue
Squad to come and take us to safety. 


Chris -- Ugh oiyyeeagh ...and there we go. See dad I've managed to plug the
flow of water with the periscope.
Fred -- Good going Chris. We're dying in here but at least the water bill
will be managable. 
Chris --  You know I..I know it said that we only have twenty minutes of air
in here but ah, I'm sure that's just an approximation.  If we breath slower
and ah, if we cut down on the ah the yap yap please...sir?...if you could.  I
think ah...we could stretch that out to another thirty-six seconds. 
Fred -- Now we must already to be low on air cause you're starting to make
sense to me.
Chris -- We also, by the way should economize our movements as much as
possible....ah... see that's...duh...wuh...yeah....Please. You know the
unfortunate thing is it's time for my daily exercises though. So...uh, Would
you just hold my feet firmly if you could?
Fred -- NO!
Chris -- Allright fine Dad! But if I don't do six situps a day my svelte
figure goes straight to hell.
Fred -- Just get us out of here.
Chris -- Allright allright, I'll, I'll call on the ship-to-shore radio for
help (clears throat) Hello? Hello? Breaker.Breaker 1-2-3  Breaker er ah..This
is "Tightpants", anybody got their ears on?  Yeah ah.. I need..ah.. I need a
good buddy to come to my 20 and lend assistance to, ah "Tightpants senior"
and myself. Copy that? Anybody copy that? Ten..Ten...I'm ten..ten on your
twenty.
Fred -- Chris!
Chris --Huh?
Fred --That's just a plastic toy, nobody can hear you. 
Chris --  I guess I'm just going to have to do this manually then. (sighs)
Okay.... (Screams HELP, HELP!!!)

KITCHEN

Gladys -- That sounds like Chris screaming as if he's trapped under a lot of
water....... ugh That's silly. It's probably one of the neighbors cats
getting run over.

BATHROOM

Chris -- HAAALLLP! HEEEEEAAALLLLLLLPPPP!! AHH! Oh ho ho. Oh..
Fred -- Guess I shouldn't have been so cocky about living this long without
hearing loss. 
Chris -- Allright. Well the worst thing we could do is panic.  Okay?
Let's..let's try not to think about dying, allright?  Just...don't think
about you know, your chest heaving for every last scrap of air...your..your
blood turning purple from lack of helium and your... your eyes bulging
and...and poping out and bouncing off the walls like so many balls in a
gymnasium . uh ugh ugh ahh ahha ahh. (Chris has a panic attack and Fred slaps
him)

Chris -- I'm...I'm sorry you had to do that.    
Fred -- Are you kidding? That's more fun than I've had all year. Freak out
anytime.
Chris -- Dad. I'm not that out of control. (Chris panics again) Ahh SQUID!
SQUID! Ahh ahh ahhh!!! (Fred slaps him again)
Fred --This is turning out to be an O.K. trip after all.

KITCHEN

Sharon -- "Knock Knock"
Larry -- Hello?  Mrs. Peterson?
Gladys --  Oh hi.
Sharon -- Hi. It's that time of year again. Time for my annual distribution
of my special German Chocolate Divinity Squares to all the folks in the
neighborhood. Now I know how everyone looks forward to it...especially Mr.
Peterson. so there you go.
Gladys -- Oh well. They look so lovely again dear.
Larry -- Where's Chris?
Gladys -- Up in his room..playing.
Larry -- Remember our deal...When we came here you said that I could say "Hi"
to him? 
Sharon -- Yes but just for five minutes..and I am timing.
Gladys -- Thanks again dear. They smell so wonderful. If this year is
anything like last year, they won't be around long. (Gladys dumps "squares"
into the flip-top trash can)

BATHROOM

Chris -- "...and then the eyes roll back in the head....The shark's eyes it's
there not like a human's eyes....they're black...it's like a doll's eye. And
then ya hear that horrible high-pitch scream. You go in the cage?...cage goes
in the water?...shark in the water? ...(sings) Fairwell and ado to you seh
Spanish maidens. Fairwell and ado to yo.... "
Fred --  Would you pipe down? I'm trying to finish this crossword puzzle. 
Chris -- Oh..I'm sorry. Would you prefer a scene from "Sophie's Choice.?"

CHRIS'S ROOM

Larry -- Hello? Chris?
Sharon -- Uh! So this is the depths to which a man will sink to without the
influence of a woman.
Larry -- Pretty  cool huh?
Sharon -- Wuh Larry that's weird..Didn't the PizzaBarge close down a couple
of years ago?
Larry -- Yeah?
Sharon -- Oh ugh!  Oh..I should have known better than to touch anything of
his. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Not that the bathroom isn't another
hell-hole.

BATHROOM

Chris --  Well that's interesting, Sharon just walked in.  Maybe she'll take
her clothes off if she doesn't notice us.
Fred -- Get her attention.And put out the damn pipe!
Chris -- Oh, I'm sorry. Hey! HEY! HEY!
Weh..whaddya yuh? Huh? bunh?  Huh?I don't think she's getting the message.
Fred -- She can't hear you Chris. Write her something!
Chris -- Oh ah  (Writes "Hi Sharon" then "How are you?" Sharon leaves)
Wuzzgoing on? Where's she going? Where's she going. Whadday, waddya doing?

CHRIS'S ROOM

Larry -- What's the matter, honey? Is Chris in there?
Sharon -- Larry, he is doing something so weird in there, that ah....Well,
I'm not even going to let you see it.

BATHROOM

Fred -- Why didn't you write that we're dying in here?
Chris -- Well Dad you just don't blurt out something like that. Jeeze.
Whatever happened to the art of conversation? C'mon. Oh look don't
worry...I'm sure she got the message..I'm sure she's going for help right
now.
Fred -- You'll pardon the expression but, "Don't hold your breath."

KITCHENGLADYS -- Why am I sweating? Oh the ceiling is sweating. It's
unusual but hardly worth investigating.

BATHROOM

Fred -- Well, ' least your mother will be able to collect on the insurance
and be rich like she always wanted. 
Chris -- There's just enough time left for you and me to open up to each
other. Dad is there something you've always wanted to say to me but was never
able to? Look deep within yourself. 
Fred --  No, I'm...I'm drawing a blank, sorry.  
Chris -- Look deeper.
Fred -- Chris, the only thing I can think about is that this is going to be
the most embarrassing obituary to ever hit the papers.
Chris -- Dad I...I hate to correct you at such a dire moment but I think the
guy who electricuted himself urinating on the electric fence holds that
honor.
Fred -- Chris I just thought of something I want to say to you...Clam Up!
Chris -- Is, is that from the heart?
Fred -- Yes. 
Chris -- Well that's what I'm gonna do for you father.  For our final moments
together; I'm not gonna say a "peep." 
Fred -- Well that's really nice of you Chris. I really do appreaciate it.
It's almost...well, like a dream come true. 
Chris -- I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm a babbling idiot now and forever.
I am what I am. 
Fred -- Ahh. Take it easy. I've known that since the day you were conceived.
Don't feel to bad, you went almost a minute.
Chris -- Than you're proud of me?
Fred -- I didn't say that.
Chris -- (pouts) ungh. 
Fred -- ugh.. okay I'm..I'm proud of you.
Chris -- Uh, oh thanks Dad...You're..you're actually proud of me. Wow! A
nugget of acceptance! Boy! Jeeze. You know what? huh. I'm  now seeing why all
this is happening to us. It's...it's  really kind of a blessing isn't it? 
Fred -- Gimme a break.

KITCHEN

(More water on Gladys's paper)

BATHROOMChris -- I'm sorry. I'm..I'm just soaking up this new father and
son thing that we got going here. It's... it's pretty wonderful in my book. 
(pipe breaks and water leaks from the roof of the sub onto CHRIS's head)
Ahh ahh. !
Fred -- Jeeze! How many people get to suffocate and drown?
Chris -- 92.  I don't know that answer for sure. I was just guessing. Father?
ugh ugh ugh ugh....Before we go to that big U-Boat dock in the sky, could I
have one last hug?  
Fred -- Okay, Okay but watch your hands.
Chris -- Oh thank you...I love you Pops. I wasn't such a bad son after all
was I? Fred -- No you weren't. Boy, at a time like this you'll say anything
to get to heaven, won't you? Jeeze! what's keeping this damn water so long?
Chris -- Ah. You know what the most amazing thing is about all this is? is
that the floor of my bathroom can hold the weight of all this water. 

KITCHEN
("Tony" falls through the ceiling)  

Chris -- Oh Ugh. Woo (sniffs) Eeww Do I smell Sharon's German Chocolate
Divinity crap? 
Gladys --  Chris ! What did we tell you about putting excessive weight in
your room which our house, structurally, cannot handle?!! 
Chris -- Allright don't worry Mom, I'm gonna write a letter to that flim flam
submarine corporation about my extreme displeasure with their product and one
way or another I'm gonna get my money back, no matter how long it takes. 

BACKYARD (Chris as an old man) Forty years later  caption

Chris -- (voice over) "Dear Mr. Peterson. Thank you for your letter. We're
sorry that it has taken us so long to respond.We will gladly reimburse you
for your submarine.  Please return it in it's original packaging for a full
refund." 
Life is just too damn short.

(Chris has heart failure and keels over)

THE END