GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- BORED STRAIGHT 9. 12/02/90 "BORED STRAIGHT" Writer: Marjorie Gross / Director: David Mirkin After accidentally straying into the bad side of town and being taunted by a street gang, Chris decides tries to try and rehabilitate the young ruffians. Biff .............. Kirk Geiger Snake ............. David Kriegel Natalie ........... Melissa Baum Chris rides his bike in the back alleys of Greenville... Snake: Well, look what we got here, huh? Biff: Ooh, that's a nice set of wheels there, jerk! Chris: Well, thank you very much! Snake: Yeah, how fast does it go on the open road? Chris: Well, actually that depends on how much I've had to eat. You know, once I had two sloppy joes and I couldn't get the thing off the kick stand! (laughs) Biff: Hey, you're on Skull turf, kid. Chris: Kid? Well, you know I'm flattered that you think I'm a kid because of my youthful appearance but, I'm actually thirty years old. That's right, thirty. You know what the secret is? Water, twelve glasses a day. Orally. Now listen kids this is really a lousy area to be playing in. Why don't you get behind me and we'll all run out of here screaming together. C'mon, let's go... Biff: Quit your blabbering, Beardie. Chris: Wait a second. Leather jackets, switchblades, bad nicknames. Why, you're ruffians! (Police sirens in the distance) Snake: Biff, let's book! Chris: Where you going, the library? Biff: Let me leave you a little souvenir of our visit, huh? Chris: Well sure, what do you have? (Biff punches Chris in stomach) Chris: Ooh! My...thank you very much! I would have preferred one of those snow shakers with the Statue of Liberty in them but, thank you.....thanks. (Chris and Gladys in Kitchen. Chris has crushed ice on his stomach) Chris: Oh my God! It's still swollen! Ow! Gladys: Chris, that's not swelling. It's fat! Chris: Well that fat may have just saved my life! Otherwise his fist would have gone straight through to my liver! Mom, Dad, Greenville isn't the Greenville we once knew as kids. Fred: I never knew it as a kid. I grew up in Chicago. Gladys: I'm an Army brat. Chris: Look around you, a town once full of hope and promise that drew millions to its shores is now nothing but a filthy, enter at your own risk, lawless, border town with corruption as it's main export. Fred: You're forgetting our booming shoe industry. Chris: Touche'. Played through. Fifteen love. Gladys: Chris, you don't know what you're talking about, this is a cute neighborhood. Chris: Well yeah, here, but two blocks down... Fred: You talking about Meadowbrook Lane? Son, you'd be nuts to go down there. Gladys: That's right, you could get punched in the stomach. Chris: I say it's time to take back the streets, so that innocent people can take a wrong turn and senior citizens like yourselves can shuffle down the sidewalk with your walkers and your golf carts and your social security checks held up high for all the world to see. What do you say? Fred: In my heart I know your right. But my perfectly functioning brain says you're a horse's ass. Chris: Dad, these are just good kids that have taken a wrong turn in life and gone down a bad path. They need somebody to come up behind them, and tap them on the shoulder and say, "Hey pal, slow down. Put on your turn signals, make a left up at the next intersection because I know a great place for cheesesteaks." Fred: Gladys, did you make any sense at all of that last chunk of babble? Gladys: I think he's asking for lunch. Chris: No Ma, I'm going to rehabilitate those kids. Fred: Chris, you don't know anything about rehabilitating troubled youth. In fact, anything you've brought home died or rusted. Chris: Now Dad, wasn't it you who said I had Kennedy-esque leadership qualities? Fred: No, I said you had a yellow streak. Chris: Six and one half dozen of the other... Gladys: Chris, I think it's a very sweet gesture to help people less fortunate than yourself... Fred: You're just going to get the crap beat out of you. Chris: Not as long as I have this. (waves hands around his stomach as choir voices sound in the background) Puts up sign in neighborhood: "Attention Troubled Teens Are you lost, hungry, scared, cold, teary, headachy feverish? I can help you Call 555-9034 Afternoons is best" Chris' Room - Ruffians enter and break his ceramic clown Chris: You came! You actually came! Oooh...clownie-puss got broken. Guess I have an evening of gluing ahead of me, huh? Hey, maybe that could be a group activity we could all do together, huh? Hands? Snake: I told you this is the same idiot we whacked around the other day! Chris: That's right. You're a very perceptive young man, ummmm.... Snake: Snake. Chris: Snake, ohh. What your parents did to you! No wonder your self esteem is lower than your chances of ever getting a job that doesn't require you wearing a name tag or a hair net. Snake: If that clock wasn't in a cage I'd smash it to bits! Chris: Ok, easy action. Cool off, kid. Ok. Look kids, I know you're all traumatized, emotionally troubled teens, but I want to set your minds at ease because I know where you're coming from, ok? Cause I've been there, too. Oh yes! You know, when I was your age, I had a stack of overdue library books about this tall. Snake: Ok, let's just cut him. Biff: Naww...he's funny. He's kind of like watching some wino geek get hit by a car. (everyone laughs, including Chris) Chris: Kids, c'mon I know how you live, I know what you do. Where, where were you, probably down at the Lazy Iguana dancing the mashed potato and shooting the curl? See, I'm hip, I'm with it! So what do you all want to do now, press a ham? Biff: Ah, you're right, let's cut him Natalie: No! I think he's kind of cute. Chris: Well, I think somebody just signed up for teacher's pet. Now, I've got canope's and I've got fluffer nutter too, but I have no beverages. I'm sorry kids, that's something called 'Tough Love". No matter how much you beg, I'm going to have to say, "No beverages." Snake: Hey Beardie. We take what we want, when we want it. Got that Beardie? Chris: You know, it's very easy to pick up on somebody's physical defect and make up a cruel nickname for them, Mr. Strong-Jawed-Very-Attractive-James-Dean-type. There, see, I can zing with the best of them. Kids, c'mon let's get in a semi-circle, we're going to have a little bull session. C'mon. Just pull the chairs around, that's it, right around like that. (All the ruffians turn their chairs around and sit facing the back of their chair. Chris does that same, but has a different chair. In the process, he gets his shirt stuck in the chair and sits with his legs spread WIDE apart) Chris: Ok, why don't we start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. I'm Chris. Biff: Hey, you don't look like a Chris. Chris: No, really? Biff: You look like an idiot! (Snake laughs). Chris: You know, if I didn't know you were really lashing out at your father, that would have brought me to tears. C'mon who's got the guts to go first? C'mon just rap! Pour me a glass of your thoughts. (Biff raises his hand) Chris: Yeah, the young boy in the leather jacket. Biff: What stinks in here? Chris: Well uh, actually I get a lot of moisture this time of year. But uh, good question, thanks. Anyone else? Yes, the young lady in the provocative sweater. Natalie: Why you still a paper boy? (Everyone laughs and agrees) Chris: Alright, ok, you guys wanna hear a little something about me? Fine, I'll play, I'll go first. Let's see, alright well here's something. Something I'm not very proud of. It took me ten years, before I was able to shower in the nude. Because, I was sure that, (begins to cry) you know that thing where the water comes out of? That there was an eye in their watching me. Sorry...(blows his nose) Oh boy, I feel so much better to get that out. Ok, alright, who has the guts to go next? Girl: Ok, fine. It's just that, my parents you know, they just keep cutting me down. Chris: That's a toughy. I don't have an answer. Anybody else? Biff: Yeah, I got kicked out of school last week and I ain't got the guts to tell my old man. Chris: That's rough. I'm a blank. Sorry. Anybody else? Hey, how 'bout you? Snake: I feel like an outsider. That's why I act tough and pretend like I don't care. Chris: Ok, I can see this is going nowhere. Let's uh, let's try some role playing, maybe that'll help. You know what I need, I need a volunteer up here. Who can I get? Snake, great come on up. Snake what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna play your Daddy, ok? And you just react to me like you would your own Daddy. Ok? Let's just try this, it's gonna work fine, here we go. Chris: Blah, blah, blah. I'm your Daddy. Blah blah blah. I work for a living, boy, outta my way. Where are my slippers? Blah, blah, blah. I'm your Daddy. Snake: Does anyone know what the hell he's talking about? Chris: Well, maybe this would work better if I tried playing your Mommy. Let's try it that way, ok? C'mon let's try it, Snake. Give it a shot for once, c'mon. Snake: Hey, why you always getting down on me and my friends? Chris: Come on in Snake, Mommy's just putting on her panty hose. Snake: Mom, why are you always putting down me and my friends? Chris: Snake, would you be a love and zip Mommy up? Snake: This sucks! Chris: That's great! Oh, that's good you're getting some real emotions out. I think there was a little progress made here today. You know we're not such a tough guy after all, are we? (Snake spits gum out at Chris' face) Chris: Ok, Mr. Bazooka Joe. Just for that, you don't get this back until the end of the day. Alright, well that concludes the audience participation part of our program. And now, I'm gonna take you on something I like to call a field trip. I'm gonna take you somewhere to broaden your horizons, to teach you something about life. I'm going to show you the pinnacle of modern day culture. Snake: Where're we going? Chris: I don't know, how 'bout a supermarket? (Montage of Chris and the Ruffians at a supermarket with "To Sir With Love" played in the background) (Back at Chris' apartment) Chris: Oh boy, well, we had a quite a day, didn't we? You kids have been through some major personality changes today. From young ruffians to little ladies, and gentlemen. You know what? Going to that supermarket, I kind of worked up an appetite, I bet you guys did, too. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to treat you all to wholesome snack of Koho salmon. (smells can) Ok, who isn't afraid of a little green on their food, huh? (turns around and sees all the Ruffians are gona, along with everything in his apartment) Chris: Huh. Well I think I made a dent. (Fred and Glady's kitchen. Camera close up on Glady's face) Gladys: Are you sure you're making progress, dear? Chris: I don't know, Ma. All I have to go on is my experience and about 120 episodes of Room 222. (Camera pans out to show that Fred and Gladys are tied to chairs. The kitchen has been vandalized and all appliances stolen. The kitchen has been spray-painted with words like "fanny", "bottom", "rear end", "butt", "bum bum" and "boom boom".) Fred: You think you could talk after you untie us? Chris: Sorry. Ok...oooh! Are you sure it was my kids that did this? Gladys: Yes, leather jackets, switch blades. Fred: Bad nicknames. Gladys: Feels like an outsider, acts tough and pretends he doesn't care. Chris: Wow, Snake opened up to you. Hey hey, this has been a breakthrough day! Fred: Chris, we've been robbed! Chris: Yeah, right Dad. Let's just jump to conclusions, shall we? You know, this could be just a huge misunderstanding. Fred: Yeah. I guess when I said, "You'll never get away with this," they thought I said, "Take all our valuables and tie us to a chair." Chris: Hey, wait. Maybe we're overlooking the obvious. Maybe my kids were just practicing some magic. Fred: They certainly made some of the appliances disappear. Chris: Oh, right Dad. The kids are always wrong, aren't they? Us adults though, we're always right! Oh yeah! That's why we have a federal deficit in this country of some two hundred thousand dollars! Oh, but let's not listen to the kids, their ideas are way too far out, us adults we're always perfect. I think some of us have a little growing up to do if you don't mind me saying so. (opens refrigerator) Chris: Ok, where the hell are my Fudgesicles? Gladys: Are you kidding? Those were the first to go. Chris: Snot-nosed bastards! Now they've gone too far! I swear, on the graves of my parents...on the lives of my parents that I shall avenge this heinous act, or die trying. To the last breath in my body as long as the sun rises in the south, and sets in the North Pole, where Santa lives. (long Latin tirade) Fred: Chris. Chris! Will you just get the hell out of here? (Chris rides his bike to Meadowbrook Lane) (licks discarded Fudgesicle wrapper) Chris: They're close. They're very close. Snake: Hey Peterson! Biff: You made your last mistake this time, Beardie. What do you got a death wish bringing your white bottom around our territory? Chris: No, you made the mistake. You crossed the line when you stole things from my parents. Things with perfectly good warranties which, by the way, I have! And that means that if anything breaks down, you my friends are up a creek without a pick axe, I mean a shovel. So, at the very least you are stuck for full retail cost of repairs which is probably upwards of $40 an hour. So, I guess we weren't so smart after all, were we? Snake: Ok, let's just kill him. Chris: You reek of Fudgesicles. Biff: Prepare to die, Beardie! Chris: Ok Natalie, now it's time to stop them with that, "He's kind of cute" line. Go ahead. Natalie: He's a dork. Dismember him for me will you? Biff: Alright, let's kill him now while we've got the muscle. Chris: Alright, you can chop me up into a thousand pieces and bury me in your neighbor's backyard, if you want. Or, you can take the Chris Peterson Challenge. Snake: He's talking crazy, Biff. Biff: Hey, shut up. What are you saying, Beardie? Chris: I'm saying that if I can pass your stupid ,little, obligatory, peer pressure, baby initiation into your gang, then you give me back all my stuff and let me go. Biff: Ok, you're on. Snake: Biff! Chris: And, if I win, you become responsible contributors to society. Biff: Yeah, yeah, sure. Chris: And look to me as a role model and listen to everything I say. Biff: Oh, of course, fine. Chris: And change the name of your gang to the Peterson Pixies. I went a little far with that one, we don't have to do that. Now, what do I have to do for your little silly initiation, wear my clothes inside-out or put on a stupid beanie or something? (everyone laughs) Montage of Chris doing the following: Rapidly stabbing between his spread apart fingers with a spoon Bobbing for apples in a large pot of toxic waste Fighting a cheetah Falling off the top story of a building and getting up afterwards (wearing a blue blazer) Being lit on fire (in Chris' room) Chris: Oh! Boy! That was a lot tougher than I thought! I figured if you guys could do it, I could. Biff: We didn't exactly do it. Chris: What do you mean? Biff: Actually, we don't really have an initiation! Snake: We made it up as we went along! Biff: You see that stuff is way too dangerous for us to be doing. Chris: You lying little...scamps! We had a deal! Biff: Oh yeah, and we're keeping it. You see, we figured that any guy who is psycho enough to go through all that. Well, he could easily come gunning for us with a chain saw and ahockey mask. Natalie: We'll listen to anything you say. Biff: So, um. Give us some advice. Chris: Advice? I'm kind of on the spot now, aren't I? I hadn't really given it much thought, I, I just figured I'd die when I set myself on fire. Natalie: Me, too. Chris: Boy, so I'm really your hero, huh? And you're going to listen to everything I say? Wow, that's a lot of responsibility. Well, here's how I'd go about it...the first thing I would do... (Chris on Meadowbrook Lane - talking to himself) Chris: It was a new experience driving down Meadowbrook Lane. What was once a seedy, dilapidated, decrepit street inhabited by horrible ruffians, hooligans and ne'er do wells, had now transformed into a seedy, dilapidated, decrepit street inhabited by well behaved, well groomed, pleasant smelling young ladies and gentleman. (shows the ruffians riding bikes like Chris', wearing the same white and red striped shirts and beards) Chris: Those who used to bully and torture others, are now bullied and tortured by others as God intended. Some cynics might suggest I've created my own master race. My answer to that is, "So what if I have?" Good night, dress warm, and God bless. THE END {http://www.nyx.net/~dnadams} [Transcribed by Craig Scarborough]