GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- CHRIS VS. DONALD 13. 02/10/91 "CHRIS VS. DONALD" Writer: Adam Resnick / Director: Dwayne Hickman The Peterson's have their annual family reunion, but Chris dreads the appearance of Donald, his more-successful arch rival in the family. Cousin Donald ..... Jacke Earle Haley Uncle Sid ......... Bill Cort Uncle Milt ........ James Keane Uncle Brad ........ David Wiley Aunt Molly ........ Pat Crawford Brown Aunt Tilly ........ Bibi Osterwald Aunt Kathy ........ Marte Boyle Slout (Kitchen) Chris -- Hi. I just thought I'd just say a quick Adios before I head off on my white water rafting trip this weekend. Fred -- You've gotta be kidding me? Chris -- Hell no dad. Consider the facts. I'm going by myself. I've never gone white water rafting before in my life, I don't even know where the nearest river is. Sounds pretty exciting, doesn't it? Gladys -- Aren't you forgetting something honey? The Peterson family reunion is today! Fred -- And you're not getting out of it so you better unstrap that little paddle and start preparing to be miserable the way we're doing. Chris -- Oh no no please please please. I hate the family reunion. I hate it. I.. I'd rather go to a livestock auction and get kicked in the face by a giant donkey. Fred -- I'm sorry, my hands are tied. It's my turn to host the damn thing and I can't weasel out of it. Chris -- Ow c'mon Dad--be a weasel for once in your life. Take it from me you'll find that it's...really the most wonderful experience in the whole wide world. Gladys -- Don't be a simp honey. In a few short hours this place will be crawling with Petersons. We can't back out now. Chris -- Wait a second. Hold the...you know the thing that you pick up and ya dial and ya talk into. Are you saying that Donald is gonna be here today? Gladys -- Well of course, he's your cousin isn't he? No no no please. I hate Donald. I dispise him. I detest him. I loathe him. I abhor him.....I abominate him. Fred -- I knew we'd regret giving him that Thesaurus. Gladys -- I don't know why you dislike Donald, sweetheart. Just because he's your age, is a huge success and owns his own melon stand is no reason to feel threatened by him. Chris -- ooh I wish he was dead. Donald....Donald Donald Donald. My arch nemisis, ever since childhood (Harp cues in flashback to '68 Peterson Reunion) Fred -- It's gives me great pleasure now to present this Sterling Silver trophy and the fifty dollar savings bond to Donald--the Peterson with the most wit, charism and intelligence. He's the jewel of our tribe and he's no doubt, headed for greatness. Chris -- Yuk! Fred -- And for young Kenny here. Chris -- Dad...Chris, Chris. Fred -- Sorry... for Chris I have this stick I found laying on the ground over there. Let's hear it for my boy, he'll make a great rodeo clown one day, won't he? Donald -- Just in case you didn't get the newsflash. I'm better than you. Fred -- Uh Hey..hey (Chris is beating his knapsack) Chris -- I hate you, Donald I hate you I hate you. I hate you Gladys -- Stop him. He's having anothe one of his bizarre donald flashbacks Fred -- Stop him? Hell, I'm gonna go grab the video camera. YARD Fred -- Well, I finally got the grill going, thanks to a little premium unleaded. Gladys -- Fred! Using gasoline to start the barbecue could cause toxic vapor to seep into the food. Fred -- For crying out loud Gladys, it's just my relatives. Sid (offscreen bullhorn)-- Attention Peterson! You're first guests have arrived! Fred -- Jeeze. It's Sid and that damn bullhorn. Sid -- Hey hey there they are, there's my happy campers! Oh I gotta hand it to you Fred your woman stays thin as a rail mine's thrown on more pounds than pig in a slophouse. (to his wife) Kiddin' angel. Fred -- Like a visit from the royal couple Sid -- How's it goin' boy? I never liked you. Fred look, check this out. (honk, honk, honk) Ha ha. Finally got myself one with a siren. Can you believe it? All that volume on two double A's. Fred -- And it happened in our lifetime? Sid -- Well if we're through shooting the bull let's get to the beer. Which way Fred? Fred -- Right over there, Sid. Sid -- Come on angel. Chris -- Dad, what do you say I run down to the basement and get our uzi? Fred -- May I have everyone's attention, please. Could I just have a minute? Chris -- Could you Gypsies shut the hell up for two seconds? Fred -- Thanks Chris.....Before we all form an orderly line here at ther buffet table. It's tradition that we allow Aunt Shirley, the matriarch of our family, to go through first....I need a volunteer to help Aunt Shirley pile food on her plate. Who's gonna do that?...Well. pick someone then. Chris -- What's the matter with you people? Where's your humanity? She's a saint. Fred -- Chris go get your Aunt Shirley. Chris -- Dad? why do I have to do it I just washed my hands? Fred -- Move it or I'll make you drive her home later. Chris -- (smiling) Hi Aunt Shirley. (Chris at the buffet table w/ Aunt Shirley) Chris -- Okay Aunt Shirley here's some potato salad....and um some tuna balls...there ya go.. and ah here's some disgusting looking...meat or something. Oh look! Here's some pickled eggs. Mmm would you like one of those? Don't those look good? They're as pink as a bunny's nose. Do you like little bunnies Aunt Shirley? Aunt Shirley -- Look! Gimme my food and shut your trap.! Sid -- HEHY!!! Put her way back there so we don't have to deal with her. (Montage of family members to Sly Stone's Family Affair) Chris -- Brad?....Aunt Louise? would you care for a Swiss Vanilla Boo Boo? Brad--Swiss Vanilla What? Hell boy that's just...Salt Water Taffy! Chris -- You know I thought so, but for some reason my Dad told me I had to call them Swiss Vanilla Boo Boos. (Shot of Fred chuckling) Thanks Dad.(waves to Fred wearily)...thanks for making an ass out of me. Aunt Molly -- Does anyone know when Donald is coming? Uncle Brad -- I don't know but I hope he gets here soon. I love that Donald. Aunt Tilly -- Ohh Donald is the smartest boy in the world. Do you know I heard he once fixed a clock radio with just a butter knife and elmer's glue. Uncle Milt -- Oh That sounds like Donald, he's always doing something smart. Not like that dope-kid of Fred's. Somebody told me that Donald just bought himself an '84 Chevette. Aunt Kathy -- Eighty-four, hell and eighty five with only 40,000 miles on it. Paid cash for it too. That's Donald for you. Uncle Red Hat -- I heard that Donald's melon stand is doing so good he's adding another nine feet to sell grapes! Aunt Shirley -- Grapes? Can ya beat that? What'll Donald think of next? (Chris smashes the taffy to the ground) (Montage of Donald-speak) Aunt Tilly -- (Eating corn close up) My this Donald is delicious! Uncle Milt -- I just put a new Donald in my truck now she runs like a top. Aunt Kathy -- I heard the weather tomorrow's supposed to be cloudy...with a chance of Donald. Uncle Sid -- Attention everyone! Donald will be here shortly. (through megaphone) Repeat. Donald--the successful genius who probably invented this very megaphone will be here shortly. (CK is sobbing, covering his ears surrounded by "Donald"s) CHRIS -- Maw...maw, you have to help me. It's like I'm losing my mind. It's like everyone here is talking about Donald--and that's all they're talking about. Gladys -- Donald? Donald Donald Donald Donald Donald Donald (Chris faints) Gladys -- Oww My goodness what happened to my son. Fred -- ahh He's just talking a knap--Look Donald's here. Gladys -- (Squeals with delight) (Entire family tramples CHRIS in the Donald rush) Uncle Sid -- Hey wake up boy! You're cousin's here Aunt Tilly -- Get out of the way. Aunt Molly -- Donald Thank god you're here. We were so worried. Uncle Brad -- Good to see you Donald, we were just talking about how smart you are. Aunt Kathy -- Donald can I kiss your hand..just for good luck? Uncle Sid -- See, Donald, It's got a siren--(beep beep) want to play with it?(beep beep) (offscreen family member) "I love you Donald?" (Chris and Donald confront) Chris -- Hello CuZ! Long time no see. (It's Jackie Earl Haley) Donald -- Lovely clothes you're wearing these days. I know drifters who are more fashion conscious. Chris -- That's you style isn't it? Picking on poor helpless, sweet, innocent, drifters, the salt of the earth and the backbone of our country. Donald -- (sarcastically)Well Christina, when your not busy delivering your little newspapers and acting like a moron and boring people with idiotic conversation, what do you do in your spare time? Chris -- Oh..pretty much go on dates with your Mom. She tries to fit me in between the furnace repairman and the High School janitor. (laughs) Donald -- That's so sad. You're obvious lack of significant income is causing you to lash out at those...greater than yourself. Chris -- No. It's my obvious lack of patience for little geek wussy-boys who dress up like carpet salesman and who wear cologne that smells like cat urine. Donald -- Okay. I see I'm gonna to have to go in for the kill. THIS is my bankbook. Read it and weep. That's right. A nine followed by two zeros. Let's see yours. Chris -- uh..Well my Daddy keeps mine in a safe deposit box down at the bank. Donald -- Yea yea...a likely story....Well..I think I'll move on. There are dozens of people here just waiting in line to kiss my butt. (Fred at the podium) Fred -- Could I have everyone's attention please? I know you're all still giddy about the free melons that Donald brought us but uh listen up a minute. I'd like to invite each of you to come up here now and give us kind of an update on what you've been doing this past year. Uncle Brad -- You go first Fred. Crowd -- Yea. you go first Fred. Fred -- Aw jeeze well these last 12 months I've just been sitting around, drinking coffee, and dreading today...Aw okay who's next? Aunt Kathy -- As most of you probably know I had to fire the boy that cuts our grass because I caught him stealing a power drill out of the garage. I actually got to spray the little bastard with some mace so that was nice. Uncle Brad -- Basically what my...urologist told me was to...drink lots of...cranberry juice. Uncle Milt -- So he's bleeding a cursing up a storm so I sez "Hey sorry. With that haircut you looked like a dear!" Donald -- This last year has been one of great personal satisfaction for me. (applause) As most of you know, I've continused to prosper. To say I am a huge success...well, that would be an understatement.. I'm a phenomenon.(applause) Chris -- Jeeze It's like the 1960 Democratic Convention. Donald -- But I also believe in giving back to the community and that's why, just a few months ago, when my minister needed some money for a new space heater for his trailer. I handed the guy...TEN BUCKS. (crowds oos') Here's the xerox of the cancelled check. I'll pass it around. Well thank you one and all. And keep hope alive. Chris -- They think Donald is the greatest thing since sliced Jello huh? Well, I'll show them...I'll show them all. (CHRIS goes to the podium) Chris -- Okay if we're all done with that crap I'll make this brief. For the last year I've been intensely studying the ancient Martial Arts of Tai Kwan Ho Jo....Lo. And um, right now I'm gonna do something for you that even your precious little Donald can't do. I'm gonna break a giant block of ice...with my head. Fred -- This oughta be good. Gladys -- That block of ice was for the sodas. Chris -- Now please I need absolute quiet for this, otherwise there could be disasterous results. (clears his throat and repeats to himself) I'm a rock. My head is a rock. From my neck up...I am a rock. (Sid's siren goes off startling Chris) Uncle Sid -- (laughing and snickering) I'm sorry boy. I just couldn't resist. Chris -- Bunch of pinheads! Alright this is it. (clears throat) Bak waunk waunk twaunk Baunk key-eheh. Baunk waunk twaunk Key-eh-eh. Eh baunk wuank twaunk key ehh abaunk a-bey-eh.....twank ah. (CHRIS slams his head into the ice block.) Chris -- Okay and now if you'll all excuse me...I'm gonna pass out. Fred -- Twice in one day. Call Ripley's. Donald -- Wake up..Cinderella. Chris -- uh Huh? Gladys -- He's alive everyone! (Crowds cheers) Chris -- Thank you...thank you one and all. It's nice to be supported by relatives that appreciate an honest effort. Fred -- Aww put a lid on it boy, they're not applauding you they're applauding Donald, he's the one who revived you. ( Crowd carries Donald on their sholders) Chris -- uh Fine...well It's obvious we've reached a turning point here. All diplomatic measures have failed. So there's only one thing left for me to do....Go trash his piece of crap car. (Pine tree air freshener) Chris -- What decadence. Well I think I'll just leave a little calling card for you Donald. How 'bout a couple of tuna balls stuffed nicely back in the glove compartment. I would love to see you face when these babies turn ripe in a couple of days. (laughs) (picks up audio tape) Best of Falco? Why does the term "Socially retarded" come to mind? I think you'll like this kind music a little better Donald, it's called "Why does my car stink so much?" (Chris freaks dumps out contents of car ripping and tearing) Chris -- I hate you Donald I hate you You're a girl You're ugly You're a girl I hate your guts I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you...... (Envelope drops in Chris's lap) Chris -- "Mr. Donald Peterson personal and confidencial." (He opens it and reads) "Dear Mr. Peterson, This letter is to inform you that you are now ten days past due on your loan payment. Failure to bring this account up to date could result in a minor interest penalty." Chris -- My god it's..it's like having Ma Barker in the family. I finally have something on him. Ooh ho Thank you..thank you. (kisses the letter, laughs) (Aunt Shirley at the Podium) Aunt Shirley -- Excuse me, has anyone seen a little bottle of pills labeled heart medicine. I wouldn't bug you except it's...except it's an emergency Chris -- Alright honey Aunt Shirley-- really Chris -- that's it Aunt Shirley -- I,I,I, Chris -- Okay, fine, there you go (pushes her out) Aunt Shirley -- I only want... Chris -- Yeah..okay..peddle your snakeoil somewhere else. Aunt Shirley -- (Gasp) Chris -- Folks, if you don't mind ah, let me interrupt your little simple-minded idiotic chit chat here and share something very special with you. Allow me to read you something that I discovered during a uh, routine search of Donald's beyond fabulous Chevette. Now I'll paraphrase because ah most of you have the attention span of a circus monkey so..."Dear Mr. Peterson, Either make good on your loan payments or we'll turn your melons stand into a parking lot. Signed York National Bank."(shocked crowd) Well, it seems that Sir Donald is nothing more than a flaming late bill payer. (Boo and hisses from the crowd) Chris -- Yes, yes well. Good, that's, that's refreshing to see you've changed your minds about Donald. Fred -- Chris, They're, they're not booing Donald, they're booing you. Uncle Sid -- You oughta be ashamed of yourself--kicking a man when he's down. Aunt Tilly -- After he saved your life. You're the scum of the earth. Aunt Molly -- I'd like to stab you with this plastic fork. Fred -- Quite a little fan club you got here. Chris -- Wait a second. I mean, it's not like Donald's some sort of little fragile ceramic birdy or anything he can take a little criticism. I mean, the guy's got a huge ego. Nothing bothers him. Aunt Tilly -- LOOK! On the roof! Donald -- I'm gonna jump! (Crowd gasps. "It's okay. We love you") Donald -- I've let you all down so now I'm gonna...splatter myself all over the lawn. Fred -- Oh jeeze just what I need. Place is gonna be crawling with cops and reporters. Donald-- Thanks to Chris, I've completely lost the will to live. Aunt Shirley -- Don't jump Donald. We love you and we hate Chris. That's all that matters. Fred -- You better get up there and take care of this before something grisly happens. I don't need my property values dropping. Chris -- C'mon dad why should I lift and finger to help him. Give me one good reason. Fred -- Because your relatives are on the verge of killing you. (Pan across angry mob "Were gonna kill em") Chris -- Why do you say that? Okay. Alright Donald. (Chris climbs ladder to roof) Donald -- Don't come any closer of I'll jump. (crowd gasps) Chris -- Okay, Okay don't get your panties in an uproar, okay? (grunts) Ya know...Donald...I have to hand it to you, this little "Ode to Billy Joe" crap is a real crowd pleaser. Donald -- You think I'm doing this for attention, huh? Well we'll see what you think when you old man has to shovel me off his patio. CHRIS -- Ya know...Donald... As a living, breathing, human being, with a conscience, I feel it's my duty to uh prevent you from jumping to your bloody death. But then again as your less successful cousin who's always hated your stinking guts, I just want to remind you that you're an adult free to do whatever you want to do so.. Donald -- Fine. I'd be free from this cold heartless demanding world. Chris -- yea. Donald -- Free from bank payments, IRS audits, and yes, paternity suits. Chris -- Tsk. Donald please, let's not get carried away. C'mon the only women you ever got came in a box with a vollyball pump. Well this is it. Goodbye cousin. (Crowd gasps) (Chris has a flashback) Young Chris -- I dropped my hotdog. I dropped my hotdog. I'm about to cry like a six-month old baby girl. Young Donald -- Shut up you idiot. Here take mind. Tastes like crap anyway. (Harps usher us in the present) CHRIS -- Donald, Donald don't do it. You have so much to live for. You have family and, and friends that care for you. You, you've got melon customers that, that want to buy melons from you. And, and you've a great used car that...we'll that's mysteriously gonna stink in a couple of days. Donald--don't jump. Donald -- Okay. I won't. Did you hear that everyone? I'm not going to do it. (Cheers) Chris -- Well, Thank you. Thank you all very, very much. Whew, boy it was touch and go up here for a bit, but ah, we got through it, everyones okay. (laughs) Just call me Mr. Crisis Intervention. (laughs) Well, I'll be down in a couple of seconds and uh, your all free to line up and kiss my heroic butt. (Laughs) I did it. (Starts dancing) I did it. I'm a big hero. I saved the day. I'm a hero. Look at me Donald, I'm shakin' it for ya, honey. (laughs) I did it. Oh!! (Chris falls from roof) Uncle Sid -- Hey! he did it. He actually broke that block of ice with his head. Chris -- Thank you. Thank you one and all. Heh. I told you I could do it. And now for your added enjoyment--my trademark loss of consciousness. Aunt Molly -- (offscreen) Technically he only did it cause Donald was here. THE END